This is very diary entry-esque but I have said before my emoting has improved significantly so read on mga tao
June 4th I flew back to Australia after the longest time I've ever spent away since I first moved there. In order to explain the flurry of emotions I must first explain myself; I'm a very emotional person, but only when whatever is tugging at me is something sad. Things like seeing someone after a long time or coming home or eating a burger when you've been deprived for months just doesn't make me cry. However this time, it did.
Walking into my house, seeing my dogs, feeling the not so comfortable chill of a Southern Highlands winter, smelling all the familiar smells– I can only describe it as tantamount to when a bird poops on you. This is off-putting I know but bare with me; when you are pooped upon, mixed feelings tend to arise for two reasons:
1. You have been pooped on 😞
2. It is supposedly good luck to be pooped on 🤗
For me, going home was the bird pooping of all bird pooping. I felt a rush of something that is probably best described as nostalgia (but felt a lot more like sadness/frustration if we are to stick with the poop theme), and I felt a surge of happiness because I was able to be home. Some would call that a blessing, and others, good luck. For the sake of my bird poop analogy, we will go with good luck.
Okay moving on haha
Me being the curious person I am, could not rest until I had dissected why I was feeling so emotional and experiencing weird happy/sad crying. So, I came to this conclusion:
When you're as blessed (or lucky) as I am to have a big, happy, loving family, something else tends to give. This is because no one can ever have a 100% perfect life set up. If you do, I will find you and steal it from you (not really tho bc u deserve it). Anyway, what gives for me is my family living in two different countries. Growing up I got to have my mum, step dad, and sister by my side every day. It was glorious. However, I had to settle for seeing my dad, step mum, and brother (in recent years) every few months and FaceTime in between. Now, I get to live with them by my side every day. Also glorious, but now the roles are reversed and it is forever what keeps me from being wholeheartedly content.
Since moving here, I have this multiple times. "I would be SOO much happier if all my family was together!!!! :(" Still true. The difference now is that after going back to Australia, feeling all the feels and then coming back here, I understand something a little more; the world is both big and small. Big, because I can't just drive over to visit mum and daddy Mark and have a cup of tea or bicker with Sarah. Small, because I can get on a plane and be there in a few hours, to do just that. A slight inconvenience, yes, but tiny in the scheme of things. I am lucky AND blessed enough to have a big, diverse, modern family that loves me, and also two countries with vibrant cultures and wonderful people (and food).
I spent my first day back in Manila sad and puffy eyed because I couldn't have the best of both worlds. Only I can. We just make do, my loves.
And how grateful am I, to have a foot in each place.
Tap on the photos to see more x